There will come a time- you'll see

Every day I wake up with this joy inside of me. I feel today I will make a difference. I can feel the love in the air. Everything is so beautiful. The feeling is just indescribable; I see this light of hope; I can see the light. The light which will end all the misery, of not just my life but everyone's life. I know there will be a day, very soon, where there will be no more tears, no more heart breaks. When loving someone will not be as hurtful as it is today. I know there will be a day, when each and every child in this world will get their right to education. I know that the day is near, just around the corner. I can feel that the time will come, when no one will die for a war, especially not an innocent..

But as the day goes by and night prevails, I loose all the hope, I loose all the joy. I feel helpless once again. I feel despair. 

The night may break my spirit, but the sun always reminds me, There will come a time, when we'll have peace within our selves and peace around us, you'll see!

Sinking

I have this empty feeling. Its the feeling when your heart is sinking in to your stomach. Omg!! I cant do this all over again. Yuls, I need to talk to you about soooooo much!!! And I miss you! Lets set up a date soon? Miss you! xxx

Life continued...

Have you ever had a phase, when you don't feel like talking to anyone? You just wanna disappear maybe? I don't feel like that with my good friends of course, but with the friends that I just hang out with here, I just don't feel like talking to anyone of them... Oh that reminds, remember the guy that i kissed, just cause I wanted to and then he fell in love? The guy that told everyone about the 'love' haha. Well anyway, so he told me that apparently one of my friends went around telling people about the love' and not him. Got me mad, the day I find out which friend it was, he or she is dead- probably a she cause I only told two of the girls from his circle.

Back to my phase, I don't know if its the hormones- most likely. But I just want to move; want a change. I am so sick and tired of this place, same people, same places, same old stuff. And I've lost mad weight, makes me feel so ugly. Its summer time, and since I'm not bundled up in layers of clothes, you can actually see my skinniness. It could be tumour or the pcos medicines, that made me lose so much weight, but I honestly don't think I've ever been this anorexic thin ever. Well I suppose its better than been mad obese.

Overall, life is blessed. I am so completely over him. Still hurts me and a lot of things remind me of him. But I've come to my senses, and I know nothing will ever be normal with him and I've come to terms with it... So that's out- Thank God!!

That's it for now I guess... Not much in life going on- as always :/ behehe.. But I'll post more later :). Adios

Letter from Leonard Cohen

You’re going to leave me. I know you’re going to leave me. Like you left Laporte. Like you left Arif. I’ll be someone you call by his last name. Laporte didn’t look too good tonight at the Alhambra when he limped over to say hello to you. He didn’t want to give me his hand because it was so wet. He took the tips of my fingers and he smiled cheerlessly, as if to say: The greatest fuck you’ve ever had, the deepest love you’ve ever known, and she’s going to leave you very soon, you poor stunned sonovabitch. In the car you told me that his hands always get that wet when he has to meet people. You know his terrors, don’t you? As you know mine. We haven’t seen too much from Laporte lately, film-maker of a certain period, when you were his juice, when he was allowed to tie you up, and you commanded him to treat you like a slave. Then you told me to look at the moon, so I looked through the windshield at the moon. Then you told me to be impressed by the colour of the sky, so I applied myself to a study of the royal blue Paris sky. The turbaned Sikh assigned you, as he always does, the most impossible space in the garage, and when we walked past his window, he said, as he always does, The Champion of Parking. In the room you did sail so sweetly into my arms. I’m yours. For tonight. Your big joke. And my heart still leaps up between the declaration and the punchline. Like you left Laporte. Like you left Arif, and then slept with his twin brother. I leave them just before they leave me. It’s better that way, no? Not to have a crying girl on your hands. Okay, darling, you’re sleeping, the night has come to an end, and I’m nervous as hell. You’ll either read this by yourself one day, or we’ll be reading it together.

1980

Extracted from Four Letter Word: New Love Letters, edited by Joshua Knelman and Rosalind Porter, published by Chatto & Windus on November 1, 2007 at £12.99. Editors © Joshua Knelman and Rosalind Porter 2007 Individual contributors © 2007